Notes For The Sauce

F’ing With The British

So living in London, I get to participate in one of the most hilarious activities in the city: simply being American.  The same way some Americans think that everyone over here speaks like Sherlock Holmes or has gangly-ass teeth, some Brits think Americans all have Southern accents (Texas to be exact) and carry loaded handguns.  So, what do you do when you have two competing stereotypes in one city?  You play into them like you stepped right out of a Dallas suburb trailer park.  Here’s a list of fun comments to make while interacting with our friendly neighbors:

Putting on your BEST and TWANGIEST Texas accent…

• Walk up to some locals, look them dead in the eye, and ask, “Excuse me, but what Subway stop is the dag-gone Eifel Tower at?”  They’ll squint their eyes in disgust.
• In a conversation bring up the fact that you own, not only A gun, but an entire ROOM of guns.  Semi-Autos, Glock 9mms, and even a hand grenade or 2.  When they ask why, simply tell them because “it’s our God-given right as Americans, obviously!  Haven’t you ever heard of the Constitution?”
  
• Tell them that “soccer” is a retarded game, and nowhere near as “awesome” as “real American football,” and that you don’t see why the World Cup is such a big deal.
• Ask any British person, “Does it really rain as often as they say it does?”  Then follow with, “That must be so depressing for you.”
• Ask them to say “Cheerio.”  They hate it.
• Simply be louder than anyone else in the pub about the most mundane things.  I don’t do this on purpose, and this even bugs me about some Americans, but if you get a couple on vacation from Wisconsin drinking beers in a pub, they’re going to be louder than a train wreck.
• Tell them you voted for Bush even though he wasn’t on the ballot in 2008.  Then say that Barack Obama’s presidency is a conspiracy from the Left Wing rebels.  They will walk away from you in 3 seconds.
• Mention anything about taxes on tea or the Revolutionary War and watch shit get hairy.  I would stay away from WWII, though, just out of pure respect.
• Go on and on about how much nicer Paris is than London, simply because of the food and how friendly the people are.
  
• Tell them that London reminds you of New York, but more European.
• Ask them if it’s true that Harry Potter was based on a true story.  And if yes, where can you find where he grew up.

There are many, many, many more comments that can get a good rise out of people over here, but some are best left for the TRUE American dumbasses that come over on “holiday.”  Every culture has their sterotypes about the other.  Sometimes you have to fuck with that fact.